her vagine was all disorganized.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
