you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
