I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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