Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
