I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
