You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
