I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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