Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
