Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize