Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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