she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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