Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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