Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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