I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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