last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
