I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
