And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
