You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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