Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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