I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
