he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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