I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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