she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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