I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize