im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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