I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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