I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
