Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
