Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
