Nicole vs. Life
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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