It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
