she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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