i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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