No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just want nice things and good sex
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
