I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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