did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize