Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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