I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
