yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
