The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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