dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
