Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
