She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You took a bar mat shot.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
3 2 1 whiskey
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
