ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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