Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
