she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
