Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
