____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
