Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
