I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
