How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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