Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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