My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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