mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We're too hungover to prance.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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