my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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