Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
