I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
