dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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